Blood Diamonds

I just watched this movie (blood diamonds) about Sierra Leone and its civil war regarding diamonds.  The civil war started in 1990 and went for about 10 years and in that time 50,000 people died.  A lot of the conflict stemmed from the export of illegal diamonds.  Male children were recruited into a child army and it is heartbreaking to see what happens to boys when they are manipulated by those who abuse power.  Senegal, the country that I was in the Peace Corps, is close to Sierra Leone.  Guinea is between these two countries on the West African coast.  So much pain over greed.  Blood diamonds is a powerful movie and Leonardo Di Caprio stars in it.  It is not a movie for those with queasy stomachs and a dislike for guns and blood.  I want to see the movie Waiting for Superman about our educational system but this week has been to busy for me to make it to the Panida theater so I am going to rent it from Nexflix.  I enjoy the freedom and choice that comes with netflix for only $10.00 a month.  I do enjoy watching movies for entertainment and for knowledge.  I can be pretty intense so I need to not watch too many movies like Blood Diamonds or I start feeling cynical about the world.

painting my bedroom lilac

I painted my room a light lilac.  I didn't want anything too dark but just something with a nice hue.  I am tired of white walls so each spring I seem to embark on a painting project.  I painted my bathroom yellow.  I have a lot of interesting artwork that I have either made or have picked up at thrift stores.  I like somewhat unconventional artwork . . .I make fabric collages.  I like working with collage and fabric.  I call them my amazon women series.  Art has been a great coping skill for me and when I am stressed or out of sorts I like to do art - it helps me relax, forget about my worries and make something interesting or pretty.  Beauty is not necessarily a goal for me in my art.  Instead, I use it as a visual diary of something that I am trying to convey.  Actually, I do art on two levels.  I do crafts - rug hooking, quilting, embroidery, beads and then I do more fine art which is my collage which I do both with fabric and paper and tissue paper.  I want like to learn how to do sculpture.  That is my next calling - maybe paper mache stuff - I don't know - I won't have much time this summer to do artwork so I am trying to get it in now. 

Pain

This has been a tough week.  I saw my friend, Cindy, on Sunday have these muscle spasms that looked so incredibly painful and I felt so helpless - nothing I could do to take away the pain but to witness it.  It is hard to be with pain and to feel and experience it.  I think in many ways addictions are used to cover up the pain and put a blanket on it but this was not possible.  It makes me feel vulnerable to life - every day is a new uncovering with an unknown aspect to it.  I also saw the beautiful moon interlaced with the clouds like it was playing peek a boo with me in the sky.  So there is balance to that which hurts.  The day unfolds early - I am so awake in the morning and conscious - it is like I am asleep and then my eyes are really open.  I have always been a morning person - sometimes a real early morning person.  When I was in college, I used to get up at 4:00 a.m. to study and go to bed at 8:00 p.m.  I like the quiet, peace and reflection that is found in the morning.  The kids are asleep, the cats are awake, the street is quiet from street noise and there is only the quiet hum of the appliances in the kitchen.

Sealskin Woman

I started vacation with a flat tire and ended it with stomach flu.  Fortunately, the time between the tire and stomach was pretty good.  I started with going to Scotia House in Newport to a workshop my friend, Colleen did for women based on a story from the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves.  It is sort of like an adult (I don't mean sexual here)  fairy tale book.  In this book she analyzes fairy tales throughout the world and what the lesson is in the tale.  An exerpt from the book,

  "The seal is one of the most beautiful of all symbols for the wild soul.  Like the instinctual nature of women, seals are peculiar creatures who have evolved and adapted over eons.  Like the seal woman, actual seals only come onto the land in order to breed and nurse.  The mother seal is intensely devoted to her pup for about two months, loving, guarding, and feeding it solely from her own body stores.  During this time, the thirty-pound pup quadruples in weight.  Then the mother swims out to sea and the now viable and grown pup begins an independent life." (Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes) 

The lesson from the story is that women give up their pelts for unsatisfying relationships, being out of touch with their creative side and neglecting their art and basic needs.  In this story, the seal woman loses her pelt to be with a lonely man.  After 7 years with this man, she begins to dry up and reclaims her skin and goes back to the ocean where she belongs.

"We know poor choice occurs in various ways.  One woman marries too early.  Another becomes pregnant too  young.  Another goes with a bad mate.  Another gives up her art to "have things."  Another is seduced by any number of illusions, another by promises, another by being too much "being good" and not enough soul, yet another by too much airiness and not enough earthiness." (Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes)

How do you put pictures on your blog

I was looking for away to add photographs of my family etc but am not sure how to do it?  Any suggestions?  Thanks

humbled by life

Today I helped move my friend from Bonner General Hospital to Life Care.  My friend Cindy (not her real name but I don't want to put her real name) has some unknown something going on with her body.  Cindy is from Sweden, an engineer, superb skier, owns her house and has it seemingly altogether except her body went out on her the end of January and she hasn't been able to work since then.  Cindy was at KMC for a stint of 10 days and given a lot of steroids so that she could start moving again.  She has a lot of Multiple Syclerosis symptoms but has not been diagnosed.  She was getting better and brothers and parents from Sweden came over and stayed over a month to be with her and then the last 10 days have been really tough.  Last week, I gave her ride home from meditation and she started to cry in my car.  The next day she was admitted to the hospital and her neurologist is on vacation and the doctor in Sandpoint doesn't know what he is doing so she is very frustrated.   Today she was transferred to Life Care because she is too incapicitated to live alone at home.  She can't even get out of bed to go to the bathroom.  I transferred all of her stuff from the hospital to the nursing home.  This kind of makes me slow down and realize who really is in control.  I know from reading other blogs that there are a variety of spiritual persuasions represented here.  I guess from a more Buddhist perspective it is important for me to have compassion for my friend and the suffering that she is experiencing and to be with her as she is.  I feel like I have done pretty well with that but I realize that it hit me in my heart to see Cindy so vulnerable - perhaps it reminds me of my own vulnerablity too.

The flat tire

I was all set to go to a women's retreat with other eight women.  My ex-husband had the kids, I had people covering all of my clients, the house was pretty clean and my neighbor was taking care of the cats.  I thought I had it all together.  I dropped off my billing notes at work and was all set to go when I went to the garage and I heard this sound - I was like what is that - I checked it was the left rear tire with quite a fast leak.  I thought what to do - well if I can get out to Perfection Tire within the next 10 minutes there will still be enough air in the tire to be able to drive it which is what I did.  I then went to Starbucks coffee to wait for my neighbor to give me a ride home which she kindly did.  Needless to say I will not be going on the retreat today but I will head out tomorrow.  I then got to thinking o.k. I am a little delayed - my house didn't get swept away in a tidal wave, I am not in a war zone and my children and I are healthy.  It is so easy to focus on what is wrong instead of what is working well which is many things so here I am writing.  If I hadn't gotten the flat tire I wouldn't have written this blog.

eye bags

I am going to try something.  In my meditation group we are working with becoming more in touch with our bodies so I am going to write about what it feels like to have an eye bag over my eyes.                                           

My eyes feel busy rolling around in their sockets.
Place the eye bag made of lavendar and kidney beans over my eyes.  Relief.
eyes stop moving around and feel relief.  The eyes can take a break and relax - take a vacation eyes.  Haven't been sleeping too much - only four hours last night - been going through a creative spurt but am tired now - going on retreat will relax the eyes.  It is like when I have the eye bag on that there is a gentle hand on my face telling me to let go

The black backpack

Last weekend, I bought my daughter a used black backpack from the animal thrift store.  It was kind of dirty but  for only $3.00 it was a good deal.  It also has wheels for the days when the books are particularly heavy.  When my son, Nathan, saw the backpack he said, "That is a man's backpack."  When this didn't get much of a response from me he tried another approach, "I am in middle school and Gabriel is only in 5th grade so I am the one that needs the backpack."  When again this failed to give him the desired result, he got grouchy and took it out on Gabriel.  I am not sure what he did because I was not in the room when it happened but Gabriel told me,  "I hate Nathan."  I have noticed when I say "No" to him he takes it out on his sister.  I will need to talk to him about that.  I never thought a  backpack could be such a big deal.

Is is spring yet?

I was reflecting on the similarities between the weather and adolscence.  There are days that I think my 13 year is a sweet young boy and then there are other days he is trying out the man voice which is like the weather - one day it feels like spring and then the next day it feels like winter and back and forth.  Perhaps the world is feeling like the weather - hard to know what it going to happen next - bomb Libya and then help Japan.  I supported Obama but he is too enthusiastic to use force which I don't support.  I find the path of the peaceful warrior much more empowering.  I have felt a pain deep in my heart concerning what Japan has gone through.  It is pretty overwhelming to think of the level of suffering that they are having to contend with.  It really reminds me of how little control we really do have and to also appreciate what we do have because it may not be here tomorrow.  I look at my two beautiful children and am appreciative of having them in my life.  As hard as my marriage and ex-husband were, I am so happy to be a mother.  The pulse of spring was bursting through my daughter this weekend.  On Saturday, she wanted to go on a bike ride, take a walk and go swimming.   I had to tell her that I needed to slow down a bit.  We did two of the three - taking a walk and swimming at the health club.  I try to honor her as much as possible but there is only so much that I can do.

Getting ready for spring

I tried writing before but for some reason my post wasn't published so I will try this again.  Anyway today I felt inspired by the warmer weather and sun to get my porch ready for spring by getting rid of the old dryer and taking it to the dump.  I asked my neighbor to help me put in the back of the car.  I have a few wind chimes on my front porch but I went to look for my fish wind chime that I bought last year and had stored away.  Unfortunetly something destroyed the string so now the fish wind chime is fish parts which will need to be recreated.  That is o.k. an adventure that I can embark on with my beads, fishing line and old kitchen utensils.  I will make a new wind chime.  Last summer, I really got into my front porch and decorated it with flowers, mosaic pots, strange art, a French bistro table and various wind chimes that I picked up at thrift stores or ones that I made of beads and kitchen utensils.  I made my front porch a comfortable place to hang out and read a book or have a meal outside.  I always thought I should make my back porch into the place to hang out but it felt too lonely out in back so after struggling with thinking I should make the back porch the place to be I shifted my focus to the front porch.  It was fun playing with the space and I even painted my front door a sky blue.

I am humbled by the situation in Japan - wow - so much suffering.  It is hard to see people have to go through so much - it is hard for me to wrap my mind around the situation.  It is weird because I saw a movie (Departures) that was made by  a Japanese director and which featured funerals as a major aspect of the film Thursday night - kind of weird.  Things like this earthquake remind me of how little control we actually have and that things just happen like this.  I hold the Japanese people in my heart during this challenging time.

Getting a crown

Today was not what I looked forward to - a visit to the dentist for a crown.  Two and a half hours in the dental chair.  This is my first crown - I wish it were my last but there is another crown I need as well.  I noticed that my dentist's hands are small.  I don't think it would work to have big hands and be a dentist.  I like Hank Willis.  He is honest, straight forward and kind.  I need to have a root canal redone - the first dentist wasn't so hot.  Anyway, it is good to have teeth.  I have several clients with dentures and they don't look very comfortable - they move around in their mouths and it is difficult to eat apples.  I finished watching the movie Departures by Masahiro Motoki - I liked the movie - it is different - it has subtitles but there was something about it that spoke to me.  I like different kinds of movies.  I listened to Robert Thurman, an expert on Tibetan Buddhism on Netflix.  His daughter is Uma Thurman.  I listened to about 30 minutes of Robert and then I became tired and started to read instead.  I like the compassion and kindness of Buddhism - it looks at the well being of all people - it seems to make sense to me - that was one thing that I learned when I was in the Peace Corps - people that look at the whole and well being of all are happier than those who just look out for themselves.  It is like we have begun to believe in this country that "stuff" and materialism will make you happy.  Anyway enough of my rambling.  Time to go to bed.

Sunday morning

I woke up this morning not thrilled to get out of bed.  There is a man that I like but he is not available.  It would be easier if I didn't keep seeing him at my weekly meditation meeting - what to do - work with the feelings - work on letting go and moving on.  Sometimes easier said than done.  My room is a mess and the cats have been peeing on the carpet.  I like cats but sometimes they can be annoying.  My daughter is reading a book and my son is still sleeping.  I want to go on a walk today.  The sun is shinning and it is fairly warm.  I just finished an assignment for Emergent Literacy.  I feel like I spend too much time on the assignments from the textbook.  I want to do some artwork, get caught up with laundry, hang out with the children, make a nice dinner and clean up my room and have the children clean up their rooms as well.  It isn't fair if I ask them to clean their rooms while my room is a mess.  I sometimes find that I let the structures go especially on the weekends.

Peace Corps Presentation about Senegal

I did a presentation at the Sandpoint Charter School about my experience in the Peace Corps.  My son was scared that I would show a bare chested woman in my slides.  I edited those ones out.  My tray jammed this morning so I kind of freaked.  I called the teacher and he had an extra tray.  I talked in front of about 70 7th grade students.  I didn't have a formal presentation instead I talked about my slides and my experience there.  They asked me questions about the kind of food that I ate, what schools the children went to and what was difficult about my experience.  I talked about living with the chief of the village and his four wives.  The women do most of the work in the village such as pounding millet, washing clothes and carrying water on their heads.  Most of the people don't go to school but they have excellent memories from telling stories and many people speak several languages.  It makes me rethink of what it is to be literate.  They people in the village couldn't understand why I couldn't remember things better.  One of the most difficult parts of the experience was the number of children that died in the village.  At the age of 22 I was quite equipped to deal with death so up close.  I remember when somebody died that the women would wail (combination of cry, scream and lament) throughout the village. 

Rachmaninov

I am listening to Rachmaninov which is very motivating.  It is lively, intense, intermittent in sound.  I listen to different kinds of music for different moods.  Classical music helps me be productive.  I enjoy Mozart as well.  When I want to just "hang out" and chill I like reggae music.  It makes me think of the sun, comfortable clothes and not having an agenda.  It is like classical and reggae are at the opposite ends of the spectrum.  I never learned how to play an instrument.  I played the violin when I was in 3rd grade and my brothers would imitate me.  It didn't really encourage me to want to expand on the musical front but I do appreciate music.  Visual art is more my thing.  I am making a beaded wind chime with kitchen utensils hanging from it.  Last year, I bought a moose wind chime from the thrift store and my daughter thought it was quite tacky and told me all last summer how much she didn't like it so in response I made this hippish beaded kitchen utensil wind chime.  She approves.  It is amazing how opinionated a 10 year old girl can be.  I like her spirit.  The snow is coming down - and I confess I had to shovel the snow.  I didn't shovel for the last week but today it was something that needed to be done.  I don't like the idea of shoveling snow but once I am actually engaged in the process it is o.k.  Are you ever like that?  You don't like the idea of doing something but once you are engaged in doing it is o.k.

Dogs at the animal shelter

February 20
I am not really a big dog person.  I prefer cats and I have two cats Raphael and Iris.  However, I am enjoying walking dogs at the animal shelter.  There is a large great dane named Logan.  He is a little thin but loves to be petted.  I took my son and daughter out to walk him today.  He has happy tail because he keeps banging his tail on the wall which makes it bleed.  My daughter ran with him for awhile.  He liked that.  Then we walked Goldie.  Goldie is a little plump but very well mannered.  She is a cow herding dog and was very nice to walk.  She doesn't pull on the leash and I can tell she so much wants to be taken to somebody's home.  I am thinking of fostering her for the weekend.  I am not really set up to have a dog full time but I am thinking it might work for the weekend.  My favorite dog is Ghost.  She is about 14 months old and is a white shepard.  She doesn't listen very well and kind of goes all over the place on a leash.  Last week when I walked on her she had jumped all over me and I had muddy paw prints on my jacked and on my jeans.  We have a very nice animal shelter in Sandpoint.  It was funded by a grant from Cold Water.  It is hard to see the animals in small cages but it is a nice facility and it is a no kill facility.  Last year there was a cat, Davy Jones, who knew how to open doors and so when staff came in the morning they would find the cats running all over the place.  Davy Jones was adopted by a couple that had a dog who knew how to open doors as well.

Contra Dancing

I went contra dancing in Clark Fork.  Contra dancing is like folk dancing.  I brought my 10 year old daughter, Gabriel.  Nathan stayed at home because he thought it sounded "gay"  - what to do with 13 year old boys.  Anyway, it was fun.  I saw some people that I haven't seen in 10 years.  A friend of mine's boyfriend played the fiddle and another friend called the dances.  About 1/3 of the people there danced while the rest watched.  It was fun to dance.  There weren't enough men so some women danced with other women - nobody really cared.  There were some young girls - I like dancing this way because it builds community is fun and there is no alcohol.  Gabriel and I first had dinner with Cindy.  She made chili with corn chips and showed us her cool house.  Her living room is blue and her dining room is yellow.  She has a nice eye for colors and I appreciated her artwork.  Cindy is a wonderful quilter - she does very fine work.  I appreciate people that can do very detailed quilting.  I am pretty good at quilting but I am not super exact.

Spokane with my friend Ann

I went to Spokane today with my friend Ann.  Ann lives in Priest River and is 77 years old.  She is like a second mother to me and has helped me out during some difficult times.  Ann lives in an eclectic house with 3 dogs and 4 cats.  Too many animals for me but she really likes them.  I picked up Ann about 12:30 p.m. and we went to P F Changs in downtown Spokane.  It is nice to have some good food to eat - I miss not having more options in Sandpoint.  I had chicken sesame with spicy green beans and tangerine tea.  We then went to Cosco.  I bought a lot of almonds - much cheaper at Cosco.  I bought some chocolate and sesame muffins for the children.  I don't like to buy them very often because they aren't all that great for them.  Ann talks a lot and she isn't a very good listener but that is o.k.  She is from Sonoma but came here after her husband died in a freak boating accident on a lake near Lake Tahoe.  Most of her children live in California.  Ann is a woman who speaks her mind.  She dies her hair red and wears sort of run down clothes.  She tells me she needs to lose 50 pounds and then she will buy some nice clothes.  One of her ankles really bothers her because she snapped it half when skiing in Tahoe.  She is smart and reads a lot.  Her husband was the superintendent of the Sonoma School District.  Ann raised 6 children but one of her daughters died.  She is a no nonsense person.  She speaks her mind and isn't afraid if you don't agree with her.  I like women who speak their minds.  I find it refreshing though I do wish that she was a better listener.  However maybe that is why we have many friends because some are good at one thing and not so hot at something else.

Alice Walker

February 9
I haven't written in a couple of days.  I realize it is so easy for me to lose the routine of daily living.  I like writing every day even if there isn't much said.  It helps me reflect on the day and pull it all together.  I have noticed how busy so many people are in the class with small children, sick children - being pulled in so many directions.  It is like we are on a map with five destinations that we all need to be at the same time.  Anyway, I had my women's group at my house on Monday and I read a poem by Alice Walker.  I will leave some of it here on the page or at least the imaginary page.

 On Stripping Bark from Myself

"because women are expected to keep silent about
their close escapes I will not keep silent
and if I am destroyed (naked tree!) someone will
mark the spot
where I fall and know I could not live
silent in my own lies
hearing their "how nice she is!"
whose adoration of the retouched image
I so despise."

Eudora Welty - Losing Battles

February 5
I am sick today.  I must have picked up the bug from my son.  I haven't been sick for awhile.  I took vitamin c this week but it still hopped onto my back.  I am listening to music, taking it easy.  Not so sick to be completely incapicitated but enough to slow down.  There is some sun shining outside and my son went to his friend's house.  After being sick for 3 days, he wanted to spend the night at Alex's house.  I said no.  He asked me 3 times.  I guess you can say that he can be persistent.  I found a book at the library that looks interesting which is called Losing Battles by Eudora Welty.  I have never read her work before.  She has some wonderful descriptions.

"An old Ford coupe, that looked for the moment like a black teakettle boiling over and being carried quick off the stove, crossed the yard." 

"She wore a dress of shirting in purple and white stripes, with sleeves so short and tight that her vaccination scar shone at them like a tricky little mirror high in her powerful upper arm."

"But everywhere else, every other visible inch of her skin, even to her ears, was freckled, as if she'd been sprinkled with nutmeg while she was still dewy and it would never brush off."

Not much else that I can think of to write.  I had lunch yesterday with a guy I thought I might be interested in but nothing came of it.  I keep thinking that I am o.k. with being single and have many friends but then the loneliness makes it self comfortable in my heart and I want to kick it out of there.

My son is sick

The day started slow because we got to sleep in.  My son is sick.  It isn't really bad but he is very stuffed up and just doesn't feel all that great.  I worked some today and then stayed home.  Nathan being sick helped me slow down and enjoy the beautiful sunny day outside.  I love days where the sky is so blue and I can see the outlines of the mountains with the frosting of snow on them.  I am more impacted by the weather than I want to admit.  There are more grays than I like in North Idaho.  I helped facilitate a group this afternoon for people with  a dual diagnosis of substance abuse and mental health issues.  One woman had a mental break down a couple of months ago and is struggling to find balance again.  She is feeling kind of shaky which makes sense.  A couple of women have dropped out of the group because they started to drink again.  This isn't a 12 step group but we ask that you be sober when you come to group.  There are about 10-12 people that come each week.  I am ready to get out of the mental health field but I am humbled by the challenges that people have to work with.  People are scared about all of the cuts that might take place in mental health.  It is a weird time to be in social services.  How bad is it going to get? 

Friends and my philosophy about standardized testing

Today, I have been reflecting on my friends and the changing seasons that friendships go through.  Last year, I thought my best friend was K.  A deeply ambitious, intelligent and sensitive human being.  It seems as though we are going in different directions.  We are in a women's group together and I appreciate her and her insights but there is a change in our connection.  I can't quite put my finger on it - it is sometimes hard to have things change but if I hold on I might choke the seasons from changing.  There are new friends emerging.  I hang out at Monarach coffee in Sandpoint and I meet and talk with people that I know there.  I think the coffee shop is a great place to meet and talk with people.  I wanted to walk today but too cold.  I thought I would go for a swim but ended up staying at home and getting some homework and housework done.  My room was looking like a disaster.  I have an assignment for another class that I am not too excited about consisting of questions about standardized testing, authentic assessments and standards.  I feel like I have answered these questions in several ways in one form or another.  I realize there is a certain amount of repetition but this one is kind of going overboard.  I realize that if I had been a student in today's schools I would have been in trouble because of my challenges with reading.  Somehow I was able to hang on until 4th grade or so when I learned how to read but in todays schools I might have been held back.  I find this rigidity problematic.  I think the brain learns in different ways for different people and when we have too many rules it can backfire.  I want students to be excited about learning and not be lost in trying to pass the test. 

Internet down/Banff Mountain Movie

Started the day or actually second day with no internet because something was wrong.  I paid the bill so that wasn't it.  Called verizon and it took a guy about 3 hours to get it back working.  Outside wires frayed.  It is easy to take internet for granted - my connection to the whole universe in a second.  Anyway I went to the Banff Film Festival in Sandpoint.  Some great movies.  A fanatic Swiss guy who did speed rock climbing - it is like speed walking but instead mountain climbing things like El Capton in Yosemite in record time.  It is strange the things that people do or that I have done as well but it is nice to see peoples passion for whatever it is that they are doing whether it be fly fishing, rock climbing, skiing down a slope or mountain biking.  I sometimes feel like where is my passion - did I lose it some place - I like passion it makes me feel alive - It is the garlic in life that gives me that extra bite of thrill.  Sometimes I feel tied down to the home to the kids to the job to the responsibilities in life - I want that freedom of being 20 and exploring but I don't want the anguish of that age - I like the mellowness of almost being 50 but I miss that I can do what I want feeling that I had when I was younger.  I destroyed my tea pot.  I put it on the stove with not enough water but better than forgetting about the hard boiled eggs that exploded with no water.  Anyway shopping for a new tea kettle at the thrift stores but none to be found.

The Health Club

I went swimming this morning after I dropped my daughter, Gabriel, off at school.  I swim about 1/2 mile before I start work.  Swimming is very relaxing and helps me feel better physically and able to cope with the gray days.  After spending time in the sauna and hot tub, I talked with a couple of other women in the locker room about being single parents.  One woman has a severely disabled child.  It made me think that to be a single parent is hard enough but to have a disabled child on top of that would be a lot to have to handle.  It was sobering to think about.  This woman is an incredible artist and I love her watercolors.  I respect people that can support themselves through their art.  Not an easy thing to do.  There was another woman who also talked about being a single mom and how uninvolved the dad was.  It is so sad - all these families impacted by divorce.  I know my sanity was on the line - so I had to get out of the situation that I was in but it is tough being a parent on my own.  My son is 13 and I wish he had more positive male role models in his life.  I never envisioned myself being a single mom but here I am with two beautiful children.

Full Catstrophe Living

I went to my mindfulness class this evening which is how to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety more effectively.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with juggling school, work, kids, my life, money, friends, spiritual path, changing body.  I want to learn how to work with stress more effectively and not be run over by it.  This class is based on work by John Kabat-Zinn in his book Full Catastrophe Living.  Good book.  In the class we start with silence as we sit in meditation and then listen to a recording of John talk about becoming more aware of our breath and to come back to the breath in meditation.  There are two teachers one a therapist and the other a nurse who teach the class.  I know both of the women (Sharon and Janet) from previous mindfulness meditation retreats that I have done.  One of the women in the class has no hair so I assume that she is receiving chemotherapy treatments.  Other people in the class are working on chronic pain or depression.  We practice focusing on our breath as we sit in silence and then we end the class with gentle yoga.  There are 5 more classes.  I go every Wednesday for 2 1/2 hours.

Princess Ka'iulani

I just watched the movie Princess Ka'iulani with my daughter.   It is about how the United States took over Hawaii and how she tried to maintain the rights of her people.  It is a moving story and a reminder of how empires such as ours are not always very kind.  I like to watch movies that educate me - not always I like pure entertainment as well.  Anyway, the princess died at 23 some say of a broken heart because her country was taken from her.  History is not always very kind.


Found out today that there may be mental health cuts which could mean that my job would no longer be after July.  I have worked in the mental health field for 8 years and I am ready for a change thus the pursuit of teaching but I have leaned on PSR as a backup so the thought of it disappearing is not very comforting.  I know that teaching jobs may not be all that plentiful - strange times that we live in - I feel kind of vulnerable - the unknown - but do I let myself be swept up by fear - sometimes I have been overwhelmed in fear - not a fun place to be.   I come back to the meditation - to the practice - to be inside myself as whole and finding my grounding.

A beautiful day

The day didn't start on the best of notes.  My 13 year-old son didn't want to go skiing while my 10 year old daughter wanted to go skiing so a bit of a problem  Gabriel went up with a friend and Nathan stayed home after some tugging and pulling.  Power struggles aren't very effective except for a headache.

I went on a walk with my friend Emily who is a French teacher at the Waldorf School in Sandpoint.  We took a walk on her property and my boots got properly wet from walking in and out of a swampy area.  It was very enjoyable even though a bit wet.  The sky was the Maxfield Parrish blue (Maxfield Parrish is an artist that I particularly liked when I was a teenager - somewhat similar to Normal Rockwell.)  Emily's two dogs trotted behind us but needed help getting past the fence.  Sometimes the fence is "hot" because it is electric but today it was off.  I think one of the dogs has been zapped before because he was reluctant to go under the fence.  After much coaxing from Emily, he went under the fence.  We didn't have a very linear walk but it was lovely to be outside.  After the walk, we sat down and had some green tea and honey.  Emily is an interesting woman to talk to.  We talked about romance, sexually transmitted diseases and the importance of condoms, parenting teenagers and my experience with Islam while I was a Peace Corps volunteer.  Emily is interested in two men but isn't sure how it is all going to turn out.  We concluded that it is a bit weird to be dating at this age.  Emily is 50 and I am 49.  I have decided to take a break from the dating scene.

The computer and the neglected creativity

I am making the switch from windows to apple.  The ongoing issue with viruses has led me to the change.  I am missing some things from windows such as the ability to copy disks.  Only have one disk drive on the mini mac.  I am not sure how to play music yet.  I will get there.  It took me awhile to figure out how to get office mac set up.  There were 25 numbers on the back of the package that I had to enter.  My 13 year old son helped me figure it out.  He jumps around on the computer in a way that I don't think I will master.  He takes the computer for granted and would like one in his room.  I am not too excited about my 13 year old son having a computer in his room.  I want some level of parental control.  I am fairly relaxed but there are some things that I want to keep tabs on.  I appreciate having a new system even if I am not completely familiar with it.  Sometimes, I like change and then there are other times that I run away from change.  Please stay the same I think but then that leads me to feeling restless and unsure about myself.

Creativity is banging on the door.  I work with fabric through collage.  I will see if I can post some of my work.  Anyway, I love art and it makes me feel alive.  It is like a child that I need to nurture and right now it has been down right neglected and I can feel it.  I need to make something and I am not sure what that something will be.  I sometimes make things from a place that I am not entirely clear about.  I have sold some of my batiks and had some of my photographs published but I have never tried to support myself through art.  Too many messages that say you can't do that - you can't support yourself through your art but then there is the child inside me screaming at the top of her lungs saying look at me - let me express myself.  I am not sure I am making much sense here.  Anyway, I have been engaged in different visual art venues my whole life.  I have worked with mosaics, fabric, beads, batik and collage.  I am fairly abstract.  I have taken some drawing classes but I don't really enjoy drawing - it is too restrictive.

January 20, 2011
The dryer broke today.  I went down to the Habitat for Humanity Restore to find another one used.  I think I found one that will work but they can't deliver it until tomorrow so no dry laundry unless I put in on hangers.  That will work but annoying.  It is so easy to take things for granted like electricity, dryers, water, a roof over my head.  When I was in the Peace Corps, the women and girls would wash all of the laundry by hand by the well.  It was a lot of work for them.  They would scrub the clothes with hard soap and then rinse them out.  They had to haul all of the water out of the well.  The women did a lot of physical labor with pounding millet, carrying water, washing clothes, cooking over a fire and taking care of the children.  The men didn't have to do as much.  They generally tended to the animals and built mud huts and fences.  I lived in a village of 300 people.  The name of the village is Dialacouna which is located in Senegal, West Africa.  I lived with the chief and his four wives.  I was called an animation volunteer.  I worked with the women in the village which was interesting because they didn't know how to read or how to tell time so when I organized a meeting the women would arrive within an hour time frame.  Time takes on a whole new dimension in Senegal.  I often waited 2-3 hours for people to show up.  I had to learn how to let go or I was going to go nuts.  The people were so welcoming and hospitable even though life was hard and a lot of babies died from diaharrea or other diseases that we don't think twice about.   This all happened so long ago - from 1984-1986.  My eyes were opened up a lot in the Peace Corps.  In retrospect, I was kind of naive to many things.  Perhaps that is the advantage of being 22 - you do things you may not do when you are older.  

January 19, 2011
I don't really feel like writing this evening because I am tired.  The kids wanted to talk tonight about some stuff.  Nathan (13) doesn't like it when Gabriel (10) follows him at camp.  Gabriel says that she follows him because she doesn't know anybody there.  Nathan asked Gabriel why all of her friends are skinny.  Gabriel says she doesn't care if her friends are skinny.  Nathan doesn't like it when Levi comes over because he wants to play with lego and Nathan thinks that is kind of immature.   Gabriel is having a hard time on swim team because she doesn't have any friends there.  It can be difficult to be a child.  There are so many things to negotiate - a changing body, a changing mind, friends that come and go, teachers that you like and teachers that you don't like.  It is different than being an adult where there are so many responsibilities but more choices.  Would I be a child again?  I don't think so - there are things that I miss - the exploration, the adventures, things to learn but there are also challenges.  Anyway, I think I will go for now.  I haven't quite figured out how to respond to other peoples blogs.  Perhaps, I will sort that out tomorrow.

January 18, 2011
I woke up a little out of it today so I listened to a talk about loving kindness meditation otherwise referred to as metta practice.  Since my divorce, I have been a journey to heal and find a spiritual practice that feels "right" so I have been working on mindfulness meditation which comes from the Buddhist tradition but has been translated into a more simple practice for this culture.  I try to meditate 5 times a week for at least 20 minutes.  It has been helpful for me to learn how to be less reactive to situations.  It can be particularly helpful with two pre-teen children.  My children were fighting this morning about silly stuff and I asked them to stop.  They continued so I told them they would need to walk to school which is about 11/2 miles.  My son was late to school and my daughter wasn't too happy about it.  I find parenting humbling.  There are times that I feel like I am on the right track and then there are other times when I am not too sure about what I am doing.  Was it "right" for me to have them walk to school or would it have been better to do something else.  One of the challenges of being a single parent is not having somebody to bounce if off of.  This evening I went to my meditation group (also referred to as my sangha).  We sat for 30 minutes and then had a discussion about the first noble truth which is there is suffering.  I see people learning how to work with the pain in their lives by not running away from it but experiencing it and feeling it.  From reading other people blogs, I can see that there is a richness in spiritual expression. 

Yoga

January 17, 2011
I have been doing yoga for about 3 years.  During the first part of the class we take time to get centered in our breadth and set our intention for practice.  There were 3 men and 9 women in the class.  I don't think anybody was under 40.  Linda Ries is a wonderful, inspiring and nonjudgemental teacher.  Even though I am not particularly flexible which I attribute to never stretching when I used to run track and cross country, genetics and getting older.  I am almost 50.  Yoga helps me put the day down for awhile and come inside my body and let go of stress, expectations and my mind.  The last couple of months have been kind of hard for me.  Being single during the holidays was hard.  I want a partner but don't really have the time to devote to one so coming to terms with this is not the right time but I don't always want to accept that.  I am working on finding balance in my life - I am a libra which is signified by the scales.  The tree pose is a nice pose for balance because you bend one leg and place it on the other while you are standing up.  There was a beautiful pink sky this evening which then disappeared after the moon came out and said hello.

first time blogging

This is my first time blogging which I almost wrote as blossing.  It was easier to do than I thought because I often have an aversion to computer type experiences so not too bad after I found a name that hadn't been selected already.  I am not sure why I selected the name green paper except that green is my daughter's (Gabriel) favorite color.  I like the color green except sometimes it makes me look like I have jaundice if it has too much yellow in it so I have to be careful about what shade of green I wear.  I definitely am not able to wear yellow.  Generally speaking, I like to wear purple, blue and some shades of rust.   I like working with color in fabric art.  I have done batik, applique and quilting.  I like to tell stories with my art but lately I haven't been doing a lot of art because I am in school and working and parenting so the art goes on the back burner which sometimes is kind of frustrating because I love being creative.  I am looking forward to writing on the blog because I enjoy spontaneous writing type experiences but sometimes my writing can be too disjointed because I jump from one idea to another.